F*ck Twinkies....NOW We Have A Problem!!

So I've got the munchies due to extra-curricular activities and decide to run to the corner gas station to get my favorite munchies snack: a cherry pie.

I am envisioning tasting the hard crust and wondering if this pie is going to have that perfect light coating of glaze or that "I've been on the shelf too long" dried and naked look.  I'll take either right now.  I imagine that first bite, artificial cherry jelly combined with firm yet mushy maraschino cherries (can you tell I'm passionate about my food).

Upon arriving to the store, to my surprise I see no cherry pies. I panic. I sober up. Where the hell is my pie? My heart's racing.  I head to the nearest 7-11.  They've got to have it.  No? Let me try one more store.  Nothing? Then it dawns on me.  My Cherry Pie is produced by: (gulp) Hostess.......

 It's raining now and I realize I am on fiend status. I want my pie.  I'll do anything to get this pie.  I'll suc...

OK, not a good look.

I stopped eating twinkles at 6, Hostess cupcakes at 18.  I've never been a huge fan of Ho-Hos, Ding-Dongs, Zingers or any of their other products that sound like a prostitute's list of talents.  But I draw the line at my pie. I mean what am I suppose to eat now???

Wait...what's that over yonder????

There is a God!

The N-Word Handbook: The Guide To Not Getting Your A$$ Whooped

Sorry Reverend Sharpton, but the N-Word is like Michael Myers. No matter how many times you kill it, it keeps coming back.  So instead of fighting it, learn to live with it.  Here are a few simple rules for non-Blacks to manage living in a N-Word World. Just to be clear, I am speaking of the N-Word ending in -a not -er.  Use of the -er word ALWAYS warrants an a$$-whooping!

When to use the N-Word:

Reciting rap lyrics

-Due to the high frenquency of use in rap songs it is impossible to censor that word

          -HOWEVER, if you are a non-Black rapper.....NO!  That goes for you Fat Joe.

When preceded by the word "My"
-Non-Blacks get a lifetime maximum of ten usages (hey I don't make up the rules)

Anytime it ends with -a not -er
-Obviously a term of endearment

Your last name is Jones, Johnson, Jenkins, Washington, Lewis,  Smith, Young, Green, Harris, Parker, or Jackson
- Most common last names for Whites in the US  
aaaaahhhhhhh...slavery

If you are Black or have any percentage over 25%
-You must have at least five Black friends

Your parents and/or grandparents do not use the version ending in -er
-If your answer is yes then you must forfeit all N-Word privileges, even if they learned the "error" in their ways

Does not apply if:
-You're a non-Black dating a Black person
-A non-Black is in an argument with a Black
-No one else you are around is using it...awkward!!

Follow the rules in this handbook in order to maintain a drama-free N-Word Existence.*  Good Luck and Godspeed!

*Speaking Randomly is not liable for any and all a$$-whoopings that may occur due to this handbook.

It's A Bird...It's A Plane...It's The Invincible White Woman!!!

I don't know what it is about these women but they never get their comeuppance when it is most rightfully deserved.  They willfully walk into dangerous situations and yet walk away unscathed.  I am not in any way trying to be racist.  I am sure other white women are just as baffled!  You be the judge.

"Nancy Botwin"

She was a drug dealer with strong ties to the mexican cartel.  She was a notorious liar and lacked many if not all morals.  And yet, she lives to the end.




"Sidney Prescott"

Haunted by multiple serial killers for over a decade and seems to always beat this knife wielding monster with a smooth kick to the chest.  She's been shot, stabbed, choked...you know I am starting to think Lisle Von Rhuman from "Death Becomes Her" may have slipped her the potion between Scream 2 and 3!






"Sookie Sackhouse"

I've never wanted a lead character to die as much as I've wanted Sookie to.  Say what you want about me being mean or morbid but she is down right annoying.  She talks big mess, drags everyone else in it, and yet ALWAYS seems to be the last one standing.  As ridiculous as "True Blood" has gotten, I am sure no one would miss Sookie if she happened to R.I.P.


Princess Peach

B*TCH STAY OUT OF KOOPA LAND!!  I totally oppose one giving up some A$$ as payment for a service however she owes Mario and Luigi a bite of the peach for saving her life time after time!

Lindsay Lohan

Self Explanatory










Paris Hilton

How does she not have AIDS yet??

(note for the sensitive people,  I do not really want Paris or Lindsay to die)

In conclusion, I'd like to place these women in one of Mitt Romney's binders full of women and be done with them once and for all. 

This Must Be What Hell Looks Like

A Walk Down Memory Lane: Weeples

I remember a fundraiser being attached to this in Middle/High School but don't remember what we were selling or why we thought they were cool.  I just remember a very happy representative flaunting cash and brainwashing me. What the hell were we selling and was it really worth it for these?

This has to be one of my most random recollections.

Ahhhhhhhh teenage ignorance!

Tyler Perry Starring As Dr. Alex Cross?? NO NO NO NO NO!!

NO! 
This gives me hives just thinking about it.



What's next? Chris Rock starring in "The Narrative of the Life of Fredrick Douglass"??

Alex Cross: Cross is a black American detective and psychologist living and working in the Southeast quadrant of Washington, D.C. He worked in the homicide division of the Washington, D.C. Metropolitan Police Department (MPDC) , but eventually becomes a Senior Agent with the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). After his stint with the FBI, Alex returns to privatepsychology practice, but continues to consult for the MPDC and the FBI as needed, ultimately rejoining the MPDC as a special consultant to the Major Case Squad. is a hopeful but rational man of generally deep emotions. He is a model father and quite empathetic in dealing with the public. Despite the fact that he is intelligent, well-educated, and makes a decent living, he chooses to live in the Southeast quadrant of Washington, D.C., an area notorious for its poverty and violent crime. He is very involved in the community, most notably volunteering at St. Anthony's Parish in his neighborhood.


When I read that I see this:

Not This:

Who watched any of Tyler Perry's movies and thought "Geez, I'd bet Tyler Perry would put Morgan Freeman to shame as Alex Cross.  This is what the people have been waiting for!"  NO! He's MADEA FOR CHRIST SAKE!

When will it end?

Oh, So You Drink Moscato Huh???

You think you're classy huh cuz you stepped up from White Zinfandel?  Oh, you STILL drink White Zinfandel huh? And Pink Moscato....don't get me started! Well let me tell you the first thing your waiter thinks when you order that with your chicken, fish, nachos, or any meal for that matter: N*GGER!!  

Oh, so you think cuz Drake mentioned it in his songs you're on to some new hip sh*t?  Well look at the source!  Moscato is a DESSERT wine...DESSERT! I know you like your wine sweet.  I get it.  I used to like it sweet too.  But then I turned 21 and grew up and learned to appreciate wines not meant for DESSERT!!  When clubs dedicate a night to Moscato you know you're barking up the wrong tree. 

Here's a suggestion.  Try Riesling.  It's white, it's semi-sweet, and it's respectable.  Imagine it being the kind of white girl you want to introduce to your mama! 

This:

Not This:

So for the sake of all things holy, Please PLEASE stop ordering Moscato.  You're doing yourself an injustice and giving Drake move relevance than required.  Also, real wine drinkers are laughing at you.

This has been a Public Service Announcement.

The Best Hotel Complaint Ever!

"This motel was the worst place I have ever stayed in. Not only did a complaining prostitute interrupt our check-in, the room was freezing cold and there were hairs on the beds..."

- review for the Bay Bridge Inn Oakland

not a picture of Bay Bridge Inn Oakland

For the Germaphobes:

From www.yahoo.com

"Researchers from the University of Houston took bacteria samples from several items in hotel rooms in three regions of the United States. While the toilet and the sink were expected to have high levels of bacteria, researchers also found more surprising items with high contamination levels, such as the remote and the switch on the bedside lamp."

"The highest levels of contamination were found in the maid’s cleaning cart, specifically, on the mop and sponge. That's a problem because it means that bacteria are being carried from room to room, according to the researchers."

"The lowest levels of bacteria were found on the headboard, curtain rods and bathroom door handle."

The headboard and the bathroom door handle??  Surely you can't be serious!

One Parody You'll Never See

SNL star Fred Armisen as George Zimmermann

Speaking of Armisen....what the hell is he?
His mother is Venezuelan.  His father is of German and Japanese descent.

He can literally pull off any race!

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Former Libyan Dictator Moammar Gadhafi

Former New York Governor David Patterson

President Barack Obama

An Old White Guy

Honorable yet slightly offensive Mentions:

Asian

Latino

Saturday Night Live, you do realize that there are other comedic actors who are ACTUALLY these ethnicities? Diversity People!! Just a suggestion.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary, For Your Consideration: Butthurt

Butthurt: [buht-hurt]

adjective

-what a man feels when his feelings are hurt

With the additions of Bootylicious , Bling Bling, Bromance, I find it appropriate to add this important term to our vocabulary. It's not a knock to gay men. One thing everyone has, aside from an opinion, is an a$$hole. Butthurt can be asexual but is specifically pitiful in reference to a man because the butt is one of the only place a man never wants to feel pain. 

Example of what butthurt looks like:

Former NFL star Chad Johnson being fired from the Miami Dolphins

Chris Brown at trial after the Rihanna beating

Tom Cruise after Katie Holmes asked for a divorce

Singer Seal after finding out his estranged wife was banging the bodyguard

Republican Presidential Nominee Mitt Romney after finding out he lost the election

And how could a list like this be complete without the 

"King of Butthurt", Mr. Kanye West!

How does a word get into the dictionary??

From Merriam-Webster Dictionary:

How does a word get into a Merriam-Webster dictionary?
This is one of the questions Merriam-Webster editors are most often asked.
The answer is simple: usage.

WE CAN DO THIS!!!

Links to various definitions of "Butthurt"(I still think mine is the best)
Stop saying "Butthurt 
Urban Dictionary: Butthurt

Latinos, Is It Cool To Be Offended??

Is Carne Asada your culture's equivalent to black people and fried chicken?? It's not that I think you eat it all the time. No, even though my mexican neighbors make Carne Asada EVERY weekend AND lets not act like most black don't like fried chicken, but I digress.  I ask because Bud Light has given me the impression that not only does Bud Light go with Carne Asada but also Latinos will chop their houses down and scavenge for wood in order to keep the grill going for Carne Asada.  Is this one of those moments I can be offended for you?? Or is Bud Light enlightening us to the hidden side of Latino culture? I'd like to know before I bring Bud Light to my neighbors bar-b-que thinking I am bringing something they will appreciate! I choose to avoid as many awkward situations as possible!

Now I know how people from middle america feel when watching BET....IGNORANT!!

Earthquake Weather

Los Angeles has had 2 earthquakes within the past 4 days.  This will surely lead to self-appointed prognosticators (To predict according to present indications or signs) to share their views on watching for signs like they're starring in "Final Destination 6".  Here are a few FACTS you can share with said individual once they start spewing about Mayans and 2012, the Rapture, Lassie sensing the earthquake, or it being hot when the sun isn't shining.

Don't be this guy!


from the United States Geological Survey

Earthquake Facts

1. The largest recorded earthquake in the United States was a magnitude 9.2 that struck Prince William Sound, Alaska on Good Friday, March 28, 1964 UTC.
2. The largest recorded earthquake in the world was a magnitude 9.5 (Mw) in Chile on May 22, 1960.
3. The earliest reported earthquake in California was felt in 1769 by the exploring expedition of Gaspar de Portola while the group was camping about 48 kilometers (30 miles) southeast of Los Angeles.
4. Before electronics allowed recordings of large earthquakes, scientists built large spring-pendulum seismometers in an attempt to record the long-period motion produced by such quakes. The largest one weighed about 15 tons. There is a medium-sized one three stories high in Mexico City that is still in operation.
5. The average rate of motion across the San Andreas Fault Zone during the past 3 million years is 56 mm/yr (2 in/yr). This is about the same rate at which your fingernails grow. Assuming this rate continues, scientists project that Los Angeles and San Francisco will be adjacent to one another in approximately 15 million years.
6. The East African Rift System is a 50-60 km (31-37 miles) wide zone of active volcanics and faulting that extends north-south in eastern Africa for more than 3000 km (1864 miles) from Ethiopia in the north to Zambezi in the south. It is a rare example of an active continental rift zone, where a continental plate is attempting to split into two plates which are moving away from one another.
7. The first “pendulum seismoscope” to measure the shaking of the ground during an earthquake was developed in 1751, and it wasn’t until 1855 that faults were recognized as the source of earthquakes.
8. Moonquakes (“earthquakes” on the moon) do occur, but they happen less frequently and have smaller magnitudes than earthquakes on the Earth. It appears they are related to the tidal stresses associated with the varying distance between the Earth and Moon. They also occur at great depth, about halfway between the surface and the center of the moon.
9. Although both are sea waves, a tsunami and a tidal wave are two different unrelated phenomenona. A tidal wave is a shallow water wave caused by the gravitational interactions between the Sun, Moon, and Earth. A tsunami is a sea wave caused by an underwater earthquake or landslide (usually triggered by an earthquake) displacing the ocean water.
10. The hypocenter of an earthquake is the location beneath the earth’s surface where the rupture of the fault begins. The epicenter of an earthquake is the location directly above the hypocenter on the surface of the earth.
11. The world’s greatest land mountain range is the Himalaya-Karakoram. It countains 96 of the world’s 109 peaks of over 7,317m (24,000 ft). The longest range is the Andes of South America which is 7,564km (4700 mi) in length. Both were created bythe movement of tectonic plates.
12. It is estimated that there are 500,000 detectable earthquakes in the world each year. 100,000 of those can be felt, and 100 of them cause damage.
13. It is thought that more damage was done by the resulting fire after the 1906 San Francisco earthquake than by the earthquake itself.
14. A seiche (pronounced SAYSH) is what happens in the swimming pools of Californians during and after an earthquake. It is “an internal wave oscillating in a body of water” or, in other words, it is the sloshing of the water in your swimming pool, or any body of water, caused by the ground shaking in an earthquake. It may continue for a few moments or hours, long after the generating force is gone. A seiche can also be caused by wind or tides.
15. Each year the southern California area has about 10,000 earthquakes. Most of them are so small that they are not felt. Only several hundred are greater than magnitude 3.0, and only about 15-20 are greater than magnitude 4.0. If there is a large earthquake, however, the aftershock sequence will produce many more earthquakes of all magnitudes for many months.
16. The magnitude of an earthquake is a measured value of the earthquake size. The magnitude is the same no matter where you are, or how strong or weak the shaking was in various locations. The intensity of an earthquake is a measure of the shaking created by the earthquake, and this value does vary with location.
17. The Wasatch Range, with its outstanding ski areas, runs North-South through Utah, and like all mountain ranges it was produced by a series of earthquakes. The 386 km (240-mile)-long Wasatch Fault is made up of several segments, each capable of producing up to a M7.5 earthquake. During the past 6,000 years, there has been a M6.5+ about once every 350 years, and it has been about 350 years since the last powerful earthquake, which was on the Nephi segment.
18. There is no such thing as “earthquake weather”. Statistically, there is an equal distribution of earthquakes in cold weather, hot weather, rainy weather, etc. Furthermore, there is no physical way that the weather could affect the forces several miles beneath the surface of the earth. The changes in barometric pressure in the atmosphere are very small compared to the forces in the crust, and the effect of the barometric pressure does not reach beneath the soil.
19. From 1975-1995 there were only four states that did not have any earthquakes. They were: Florida, Iowa, North Dakota, and Wisconsin.
20. The core of the earth was the first internal structural element to be identified. In 1906 R.D. Oldham discovered it from his studies of earthquake records. The inner core is solid, and the outer core is liquid and so does not transmit the shear wave energy released during an earthquake.
21. The swimming pool at the University of Arizona in Tucson lost water from sloshing (seiche) caused by the 1985 M8.1 Michoacan, Mexico earthquake 2000 km (1240 miles) away.
22. Earthquakes occur in the central portion of the United States too! Some very powerful earthquakes occurred along the New Madrid fault in theMississippi Valley in 1811-1812. Because of the crustal structure in the Central US which efficiently propagates seismic energy, shaking from earthquakes in this part of the country are felt at a much greater distance from the epicenters than similar size quakes in the Western US.
23. Most earthquakes occur at depths of less than 80 km (50 miles) from the Earth’s surface.
24. The San Andreas fault is NOT a single, continuous fault, but rather is actually a fault zone made up of many segments. Movement may occur along any of the many fault segments along the zone at any time. The San Andreas fault system is more that 1300 km (800 miles) long, and in some spots is as much as 16 km (10 miles) deep.
25. The world’s deadliest recorded earthquake occurred in 1556 in central China. It struck a region where most people lived in caves carved from soft rock. These dwellings collapsed during the earthquake, killing an estimated 830,000 people. In 1976 another deadly earthquake struck in Tangshan, China, where more than 250,000 people were killed.
26. Florida and North Dakota have the smallest number of earthquakes in the United States.
27. The deepest earthquakes typically occur at plate boundaries where the Earth”s crust is being subducted into the Earth’s mantle. These occur as deep as 750 km (400 miles) below the surface.
28. Alaska is the most earthquake-prone state and one of the most seismically active regions in the world. Alaska experiences a magnitude 7 earthquake almost every year, and a magnitude 8 or greater earthquake on average every 14 years.
29. The majority of the earthquakes and volcanic eruptions occur along plate boundaries such as the boundary between the Pacific Plate and the North American plate. One of the most active plate boundaries where earthquakes and eruptions are frequent, for example, is around the massive Pacific Plate commonly referred to as the Pacific Ring of Fire.
30. The earliest recorded evidence of an earthquake has been traced back to 1831 BC in the Shandong province of China, but there is a fairly complete record starting in 780 BC during the Zhou Dynasty in China.
31. It was recognized as early as 350 BC by the Greek scientist Aristotle thatsoft ground shakes more than hard rock in an earthquake.
32. The cause of earthquakes was stated correctly in 1760 by British engineer John Michell, one of the first fathers of seismology, in a memoir where he wrote that earthquakes and the waves of energy that they make are caused by “shifting masses of rock miles below the surface”.
33. In 1663 the European settlers experienced their first earthquake in America.
34. Human beings can detect sounds in the frequency range 20-20,000 Hertz. If a P wave refracts out of the rock surface into the air, and it has a frequency in the audible range, it will be heard as a rumble. Most earthquake waves have a frequency of less than 20 Hz, so the waves themselves are usually not heard. Most of the rumbling noise heard during an earthquake is the building and its contents moving.
35. When the Chilean earthquake occurred in 1960, seismographs recorded seismic waves that traveled all around the Earth. These seismic waves shook the entire earth for many days! This phenomenon is called the free oscillation of the Earth.
36. The interior of Antarctica has icequakes which, although they are much smaller, are perhaps more frequent than earthquakes in Antarctica. The icequakes are similar to earthquakes, but occur within the ice sheet itself instead of the land underneath the ice. Some of our polar observers have told us they can hear the icequakes and see them on the South Pole seismograph station, but they are much too small to be seen on enough stations to obtain a location.

Go forth and educate (and get prepare an earthquake kit)!

If in doubt, you know who to call: