Bastardizing A Holiday

My disgust isn't 100% racially motivated by the pimping of MLK.  Again, I say not 100% which doesn't mean its not in the high 70s or above. At least they don't use his image, or quotes. That should be taken as respect, right?  However, seeing that he's MLK and knowing what he stood for, I'm sure he'd have a "Boondocks" moment if he saw this:

Ignore that "respect" statement I made. (Really???)

to be fair, they did apologize here

At least on Memorial Day and Labor Day, it feels right to BBQ.  Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays promote commercialization through the guise of giving.  But to have MLK parking lot pippin??  Did Martin say "I have a dream, that one day you can get your mattress 50% off"??

Or maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way.  Maybe this is an honor. Maybe this is MLK's George Jefferson moment.  He's moving on up to the big leagues.  He's up there with pilgrims and Presidents and...JESUS!  Maybe commercializing Martin Luther King Day is proof of his dream and how he's leveled the playing field. MLK day can get you as good of a deal, if not better, as Presidents Day.  Take that Washington.

And speaking of holidays, why is Columbus Day still a federal holiday?  If Pluto can be demoted, then so can Columbus!

But I digress. This isn't King's dream.  This is:

Never forget the sacrifice.  Never forget the battles.  Never forget the bloodshed for freedom, justice and equality. Never forget the legacy.

Happy Martin Luther King Day

F*ck Twinkies....NOW We Have A Problem!!

So I've got the munchies due to extra-curricular activities and decide to run to the corner gas station to get my favorite munchies snack: a cherry pie.

I am envisioning tasting the hard crust and wondering if this pie is going to have that perfect light coating of glaze or that "I've been on the shelf too long" dried and naked look.  I'll take either right now.  I imagine that first bite, artificial cherry jelly combined with firm yet mushy maraschino cherries (can you tell I'm passionate about my food).

Upon arriving to the store, to my surprise I see no cherry pies. I panic. I sober up. Where the hell is my pie? My heart's racing.  I head to the nearest 7-11.  They've got to have it.  No? Let me try one more store.  Nothing? Then it dawns on me.  My Cherry Pie is produced by: (gulp) Hostess.......

 It's raining now and I realize I am on fiend status. I want my pie.  I'll do anything to get this pie.  I'll suc...

OK, not a good look.

I stopped eating twinkles at 6, Hostess cupcakes at 18.  I've never been a huge fan of Ho-Hos, Ding-Dongs, Zingers or any of their other products that sound like a prostitute's list of talents.  But I draw the line at my pie. I mean what am I suppose to eat now???

Wait...what's that over yonder????

There is a God!

The N-Word Handbook: The Guide To Not Getting Your A$$ Whooped

Sorry Reverend Sharpton, but the N-Word is like Michael Myers. No matter how many times you kill it, it keeps coming back.  So instead of fighting it, learn to live with it.  Here are a few simple rules for non-Blacks to manage living in a N-Word World. Just to be clear, I am speaking of the N-Word ending in -a not -er.  Use of the -er word ALWAYS warrants an a$$-whooping!

When to use the N-Word:

Reciting rap lyrics

-Due to the high frenquency of use in rap songs it is impossible to censor that word

          -HOWEVER, if you are a non-Black rapper.....NO!  That goes for you Fat Joe.

When preceded by the word "My"
-Non-Blacks get a lifetime maximum of ten usages (hey I don't make up the rules)

Anytime it ends with -a not -er
-Obviously a term of endearment

Your last name is Jones, Johnson, Jenkins, Washington, Lewis,  Smith, Young, Green, Harris, Parker, or Jackson
- Most common last names for Whites in the US  
aaaaahhhhhhh...slavery

If you are Black or have any percentage over 25%
-You must have at least five Black friends

Your parents and/or grandparents do not use the version ending in -er
-If your answer is yes then you must forfeit all N-Word privileges, even if they learned the "error" in their ways

Does not apply if:
-You're a non-Black dating a Black person
-A non-Black is in an argument with a Black
-No one else you are around is using it...awkward!!

Follow the rules in this handbook in order to maintain a drama-free N-Word Existence.*  Good Luck and Godspeed!

*Speaking Randomly is not liable for any and all a$$-whoopings that may occur due to this handbook.

It's A Bird...It's A Plane...It's The Invincible White Woman!!!

I don't know what it is about these women but they never get their comeuppance when it is most rightfully deserved.  They willfully walk into dangerous situations and yet walk away unscathed.  I am not in any way trying to be racist.  I am sure other white women are just as baffled!  You be the judge.

"Nancy Botwin"

She was a drug dealer with strong ties to the mexican cartel.  She was a notorious liar and lacked many if not all morals.  And yet, she lives to the end.




"Sidney Prescott"

Haunted by multiple serial killers for over a decade and seems to always beat this knife wielding monster with a smooth kick to the chest.  She's been shot, stabbed, choked...you know I am starting to think Lisle Von Rhuman from "Death Becomes Her" may have slipped her the potion between Scream 2 and 3!






"Sookie Sackhouse"

I've never wanted a lead character to die as much as I've wanted Sookie to.  Say what you want about me being mean or morbid but she is down right annoying.  She talks big mess, drags everyone else in it, and yet ALWAYS seems to be the last one standing.  As ridiculous as "True Blood" has gotten, I am sure no one would miss Sookie if she happened to R.I.P.


Princess Peach

B*TCH STAY OUT OF KOOPA LAND!!  I totally oppose one giving up some A$$ as payment for a service however she owes Mario and Luigi a bite of the peach for saving her life time after time!

Lindsay Lohan

Self Explanatory










Paris Hilton

How does she not have AIDS yet??

(note for the sensitive people,  I do not really want Paris or Lindsay to die)

In conclusion, I'd like to place these women in one of Mitt Romney's binders full of women and be done with them once and for all. 

This Must Be What Hell Looks Like

A Walk Down Memory Lane: Weeples

I remember a fundraiser being attached to this in Middle/High School but don't remember what we were selling or why we thought they were cool.  I just remember a very happy representative flaunting cash and brainwashing me. What the hell were we selling and was it really worth it for these?

This has to be one of my most random recollections.

Ahhhhhhhh teenage ignorance!

Tyler Perry Starring As Dr. Alex Cross?? NO NO NO NO NO!!

NO! 
This gives me hives just thinking about it.



What's next? Chris Rock starring in "The Narrative of the Life of Fredrick Douglass"??

Alex Cross: Cross is a black American detective and psychologist living and working in the Southeast quadrant of Washington, D.C. He worked in the homicide division of the Washington, D.C. Metropolitan Police Department (MPDC) , but eventually becomes a Senior Agent with the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). After his stint with the FBI, Alex returns to privatepsychology practice, but continues to consult for the MPDC and the FBI as needed, ultimately rejoining the MPDC as a special consultant to the Major Case Squad. is a hopeful but rational man of generally deep emotions. He is a model father and quite empathetic in dealing with the public. Despite the fact that he is intelligent, well-educated, and makes a decent living, he chooses to live in the Southeast quadrant of Washington, D.C., an area notorious for its poverty and violent crime. He is very involved in the community, most notably volunteering at St. Anthony's Parish in his neighborhood.


When I read that I see this:

Not This:

Who watched any of Tyler Perry's movies and thought "Geez, I'd bet Tyler Perry would put Morgan Freeman to shame as Alex Cross.  This is what the people have been waiting for!"  NO! He's MADEA FOR CHRIST SAKE!

When will it end?

Oh, So You Drink Moscato Huh???

You think you're classy huh cuz you stepped up from White Zinfandel?  Oh, you STILL drink White Zinfandel huh? And Pink Moscato....don't get me started! Well let me tell you the first thing your waiter thinks when you order that with your chicken, fish, nachos, or any meal for that matter: N*GGER!!  

Oh, so you think cuz Drake mentioned it in his songs you're on to some new hip sh*t?  Well look at the source!  Moscato is a DESSERT wine...DESSERT! I know you like your wine sweet.  I get it.  I used to like it sweet too.  But then I turned 21 and grew up and learned to appreciate wines not meant for DESSERT!!  When clubs dedicate a night to Moscato you know you're barking up the wrong tree. 

Here's a suggestion.  Try Riesling.  It's white, it's semi-sweet, and it's respectable.  Imagine it being the kind of white girl you want to introduce to your mama! 

This:

Not This:

So for the sake of all things holy, Please PLEASE stop ordering Moscato.  You're doing yourself an injustice and giving Drake move relevance than required.  Also, real wine drinkers are laughing at you.

This has been a Public Service Announcement.

The Best Hotel Complaint Ever!

"This motel was the worst place I have ever stayed in. Not only did a complaining prostitute interrupt our check-in, the room was freezing cold and there were hairs on the beds..."

- review for the Bay Bridge Inn Oakland

not a picture of Bay Bridge Inn Oakland

For the Germaphobes:

From www.yahoo.com

"Researchers from the University of Houston took bacteria samples from several items in hotel rooms in three regions of the United States. While the toilet and the sink were expected to have high levels of bacteria, researchers also found more surprising items with high contamination levels, such as the remote and the switch on the bedside lamp."

"The highest levels of contamination were found in the maid’s cleaning cart, specifically, on the mop and sponge. That's a problem because it means that bacteria are being carried from room to room, according to the researchers."

"The lowest levels of bacteria were found on the headboard, curtain rods and bathroom door handle."

The headboard and the bathroom door handle??  Surely you can't be serious!

One Parody You'll Never See

SNL star Fred Armisen as George Zimmermann

Speaking of Armisen....what the hell is he?
His mother is Venezuelan.  His father is of German and Japanese descent.

He can literally pull off any race!

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Former Libyan Dictator Moammar Gadhafi

Former New York Governor David Patterson

President Barack Obama

An Old White Guy

Honorable yet slightly offensive Mentions:

Asian

Latino

Saturday Night Live, you do realize that there are other comedic actors who are ACTUALLY these ethnicities? Diversity People!! Just a suggestion.