F*ck Twinkies....NOW We Have A Problem!!

So I've got the munchies due to extra-curricular activities and decide to run to the corner gas station to get my favorite munchies snack: a cherry pie.

I am envisioning tasting the hard crust and wondering if this pie is going to have that perfect light coating of glaze or that "I've been on the shelf too long" dried and naked look.  I'll take either right now.  I imagine that first bite, artificial cherry jelly combined with firm yet mushy maraschino cherries (can you tell I'm passionate about my food).

Upon arriving to the store, to my surprise I see no cherry pies. I panic. I sober up. Where the hell is my pie? My heart's racing.  I head to the nearest 7-11.  They've got to have it.  No? Let me try one more store.  Nothing? Then it dawns on me.  My Cherry Pie is produced by: (gulp) Hostess.......

 It's raining now and I realize I am on fiend status. I want my pie.  I'll do anything to get this pie.  I'll suc...

OK, not a good look.

I stopped eating twinkles at 6, Hostess cupcakes at 18.  I've never been a huge fan of Ho-Hos, Ding-Dongs, Zingers or any of their other products that sound like a prostitute's list of talents.  But I draw the line at my pie. I mean what am I suppose to eat now???

Wait...what's that over yonder????

There is a God!

The N-Word Handbook: The Guide To Not Getting Your A$$ Whooped

Sorry Reverend Sharpton, but the N-Word is like Michael Myers. No matter how many times you kill it, it keeps coming back.  So instead of fighting it, learn to live with it.  Here are a few simple rules for non-Blacks to manage living in a N-Word World. Just to be clear, I am speaking of the N-Word ending in -a not -er.  Use of the -er word ALWAYS warrants an a$$-whooping!

When to use the N-Word:

Reciting rap lyrics

-Due to the high frenquency of use in rap songs it is impossible to censor that word

          -HOWEVER, if you are a non-Black rapper.....NO!  That goes for you Fat Joe.

When preceded by the word "My"
-Non-Blacks get a lifetime maximum of ten usages (hey I don't make up the rules)

Anytime it ends with -a not -er
-Obviously a term of endearment

Your last name is Jones, Johnson, Jenkins, Washington, Lewis,  Smith, Young, Green, Harris, Parker, or Jackson
- Most common last names for Whites in the US  
aaaaahhhhhhh...slavery

If you are Black or have any percentage over 25%
-You must have at least five Black friends

Your parents and/or grandparents do not use the version ending in -er
-If your answer is yes then you must forfeit all N-Word privileges, even if they learned the "error" in their ways

Does not apply if:
-You're a non-Black dating a Black person
-A non-Black is in an argument with a Black
-No one else you are around is using it...awkward!!

Follow the rules in this handbook in order to maintain a drama-free N-Word Existence.*  Good Luck and Godspeed!

*Speaking Randomly is not liable for any and all a$$-whoopings that may occur due to this handbook.